If you grew up in a family with an unhealthy psychological climate, you run the risk of entering into a relationship with an unhappy partner. Or you have already established such a relationship, says family psychotherapist Audrey Sherman.
Often, unhealthy relationships with your partner are similar to those that were in your childhood. These can be problems related to personal boundaries, attachment disorders, psychological or physical violence, various addictions (alcoholism, drug addiction). In the chosen partner we are attracted not by his character traits or human qualities (which can often not suit us at all), but only by the fact that the whole dynamics of the relationship is already familiar. It seems to us that we can control what we already know. And everything new – on the contrary, frightens and alarms us. If a partner treats us too well, we begin to look for reasons and dangers. And suddenly he plays a role and very soon shows his true face? And all this because since childhood we have not had an example of a healthy relationship with a good attitude of partners to each other.
If we have already mastered the dynamics of unhealthy relationships, we have learned to play by these rules. If someone controls us too much, we begin to react passively and aggressively. If the partner is cruel and aggressive, then we learn not to provoke him and follow all the whims. If the partner moves away emotionally, then we know how to bring him closer again, using various manipulations (suddenly we get sick, get into trouble and we need help, etc.). And all these patterns of behavior seem normal to us, because we grew up in them, they are familiar to us.
Being in an unhealthy relationship is worse than not having a relationship at all. It not only takes away our time and energy, which we could direct to something pleasant and good. In addition, they destroy self-esteem, social life, negatively affect physical and mental health and strengthen the belief that such a relationship should be.
So, family psychologists have identified 9 signs that may indicate that your partner is not the person with whom you should build a relationship.
- He (she) humiliates you, hurts you with words, despite the fact that you do not like it. Even if your partner then apologizes, do not deceive yourself. Such behavior is unacceptable.
- The partner is aggressive or dangerous. Does he threaten to harm you or yourself if you leave him? It’s time to end this relationship, because you are being held hostage. This is not love.
- When you commit a “misdemeanor,” your partner begins to ignore you or treat you coldly. This is manipulation.
- Your partner scolds you, shouts, lets you push or hit.
He (she) suddenly disappears for a while without any explanation, and then returns as if nothing had happened. - He allows himself the behavior described above and blames you for everything. It’s as if you brought him to this. Either former partners are to blame or unfavorable circumstances.
- The partner hides information about his life from you. Makes decisions and then puts you in front of the fact. Even when these decisions concern you or your common affairs.
- Your opinion means nothing to your partner. Only he is right and can not be otherwise.
- You do not take part in his social life. While your partner is having fun, you have to do household chores, take care of the children, solve problems, and so on. And you do not have the right to your own social life.
If you notice something from this list, it’s time to end the relationship. You deserve a happy life with a person who will love you and take care of you. If you are unable to do this on your own, seek support from family, friends, or psychotherapists. After all, relationships are one of the key areas of our lives. And if the relationship is healthy and prosperous, then life is more fulfilling, and happiness turns from a dream into a reality.